Himglish and Femalese

“ Feminism may have given women the inclination - and the power - to be as unfaithful as their husbands, but male attitudes to their wives haven’t yet caught up. ‘Men can forgive themselves for their indiscretions, but find it much harder to forgive their partners for the same,’ says therapist Phillip Hodson, Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

—

Why men can never forgive a wife’s affair… even though they’d expect YOU to forgive them | Mail Online

In today’s latest incisive Daily Mail critique of feminism, we learn that men can forgive themselves for cheating, but not their female partners. Oh, it seems they are saying, for the olden days when men could screw around as much as possible and always be forgiven by their wives who stayed at home wearing clean aprons and scrubbing?

Because I think that Philip Hodson’s statement goes for women, too: it’s for ever easier for us to make excuses for our own behaviour - which we have agency over, of course - than for the behaviour of other people, even if we are guilty of the exact same crappy thing. Perhaps the apparent ease with which women forgive is driven more by the social expectation that we will forgive, and the fact that research shows that women tend to be more disadvantaged (economically, socially, emotionally) by broken relationships, which may act as a discincentive for us to leave.

Anyway: my view on forgiveness? It’s a fine thing to do, if that’s what both of you want - remember, to forgive is not a unilateral decision, because the perpetrator needs to be able to accept forgiveness and move forward as well.

The most important thing to remember if infidelity cuts a swathe through your relationship is that you need to base your decisions about what’s going to happen on the future on as much clear thinking and genuine self-awareness as possible. That means not letting your fear of what other people will think about you (‘oh, but they’ll all judge me if I say with him’) be an influence, not letting your sex influence you (‘oh, but I’m a woman, so I should forgive’/’men dont’ forgive this kind of thing’)and communicating clearly what you need from your partner for the relationship to continue - not trusting that he or she will simply figure it out.

Comments (View)

“Some good conversation pieces include…a small stuffed animal…”

Forget everything I’ve ever told you, my dears: this video (via the brilliant Hortense at Jezebel) offers all the answers.

Comments (View)

“ Being married to someone you respect for being somehow better than you keeps affection alive. That this impressive person chooses you year after year makes you more pleased with yourself, fueling the kind of mutual self-esteem that can get you through decades.

—

Modern Love - A Joint Account That Underwrites Our Marriage - NYTimes.com

For your Sunday reading, a lovely and sensitive essay on marriage.

Comments (View)

“ Besides, when you think about it, the but-she’s-beautiful thing is also, at its core, kind of dismissive of Elin. As Glamour’s executive editor Jill Herzig points out, “it makes it sound like we assume that her looks were the major thing gluing her to her husband, and we’re just shocked the glue couldn’t hold. We exclaim ‘but she’s so pretty!’ when it would be much more respectful to say ‘but she’s raising their two kids!’” Amen to that. Elin is by all accounts a grounded person, smart woman and great mom—those are the reasons she, like all of us, deserves a man who values her.

—

On the C.L.: Why Do Men Cheat on Beautiful Women? Let’s Talk About Tiger Woods, Part 597: Smitten: Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

I don’t always look to Glamour.com for erudite views on relationships with a feminist angle, but this is rather good indeed.

Comments (View)

In addition to it now being the most wonderful time of year to have an affair with your boss, ‘tis also the season for men to be criticised for not being very good at buying Christmas presents for their partners.

‘Without wanting to sound ungrateful’ writes Lindsay Nicholson, in an article in which she bemoans (among other things) the time her partner asked her for her shoe size, she lied, and he then bought her ill-fitting shoes, ‘without wanting to appear ungrateful, but with the planet and the economy firmly in mind, I have come up with a list of things I really don’t want to find in my stocking this year.’

Poor men! If I was one, I just wouldn’t bother going shopping in the first place, in light of the expectations placed upon me to be a miserable failure by this dependable Christmastime trope.

But here’s my official relationship expert line on it: if an inept holiday present from your partner is grounds to send you into a terrible funk, then perhaps it is not so much time for you to make a list of all the things he (or she) is not allowed to present you with, but rather to consider whether there are other tensions in the relationship that are being displaced in to the gift-giving ritual, because if you really love and understand someone, I simply don’t believe that a well-meaning but ill thought-out pair of shoes or piece of kitchen equipment are deal-breaking.

(And I think, in your heart, you don’t either.)

P.S. I’ve personally found that handmade gifts are the best sort to promote romance, because frankly there is just something very lovable about a homemade jumper or scarf, even if it is kind of misshapen or much too big. Although, come to think of it, all of the men I’ve made knitwear for have eventually broken up with me. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Comments (View)

“ In the past, British children have tended to leave home earlier than their European cousins but the latest ONS figures, published today, show that 25% of men aged 25 to 29 now live with their parents. This is almost double the proportion of women in their late 20s (13%) who still live at home.

—

More young adults in 20s and 30s living with parents than in past 20 years | Society | The Guardian

Now, I don’t want to get too judge-y here, because I am sure if my parents lived in London (they don’t) and were happy to have me live with them (we love each other a lot, but treasure our independence, so this seems somewhat unlikely) I might well want to stay there rather than in my mediocre rented flat. But non-judging aside, that, my friends, is a major sex discrepancy. And I want to know why.

I suspect that men stay at home longer because movements towards equality in terms of domestic duties remain slow - not just in terms of who does them (in married/cohabiting couples, women still take on the largest share) but in terms of who we expect to do them. For all that we are encouraged to pursue careers other than homemaking, pressure on young women to run their own households remains high, while young men who live alone and fend for themselves are often slightly pitied in their ‘bachelor pads’, unless they’re amongst the cohort who subscribes strongly to the trend which I identify in my book as ‘domistericism’.

Men, in my experience, also seem to feel less compunction about hiring a cleaner if they have full-time jobs that prevent them from doing the amount of hoovering that they would like; by contrast, many of my female friends seem ashamed to even consider such a thing, no matter how many hours that they’re working.

What’s the solution? Well, the bottom line is that living independent will always make you a more appealing prospect to the opposite sex, whether you’re male or female - very few people these days are looking for a partner whose dwelling they will be required to attend to in a semi-parental way. And finding a partner means that you’ll have a better chance to get on the property ladder, since splitting the rent or mortgage will substantially increase your available funds. In other words? Quite often, I think, you have to move out of home in order, well, to move out of home.

Comments (View)

Step away from the stationery cupboard

A helpful press release I received this morning entitled ‘Brits confess to unwrapping more than presents at Christmas’ brought to my attention the fact that it would now be timely for me to address that key seasonal romantic minefield: the office Christmas party (apparently, according to this research done by a condom manufacturer, 18% of Brits are having an affair with someone at work).

Here in the UK, at least (I’ve never been to an office party elsewhere but would appreciate elucidation from my international readers), the office Christmas party is often regarded as the ideal opportunity for people to get horrifically drunk and make out with the person who they’ve been lusting after across the office for the rest of the year. In the stationery cupboard. Or on the desk belonging to your boss. Or similar.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION, PEOPLE.

Several readers have responded to my previous screeds about the potential downfalls of in-office love affairs with nice emails citing examples of people they know who have fallen in love in the office and are now together forever (or, indeed, citing the fact that they themselves are now committed to their one-time office-based loves). It is certainly the case that work can be a lovely place to meet people, as obviously you spend a lot of time together, and if you are doing a job that you like, chances are that you will have quite a bit in common.

For all of the stories about colleagues who become lovers, howver, there are many more about people who got swept up in something akin to bus love, only to regret it profoundly the next day (or week, or year). Thus, I give you my top five tips for romance in the workplace:

1. Resist. What with the peril it can present to your career, even if it is successful, an office romance is intrinsically risky. Therefore, this is case where acting on your initial burst of attraction is a decidedly bad plan. If you’re finding that you fancy yourself in the office, tell yourself that it’s a terrible idea and try to stop fancying them. Do this three times. If you still find yourself overwhelmed with love, then perhaps I might concede that it is something important.

2. Be sober. Starting something a colleague after you’ve been doing a vodka luge at your office Christmas party: it’s so uncouth and it’s so embarrassing and it’s so easy for both parties involved to want to pretend that nothing happened the next day, even if you actually rather like each other, because all of your other colleagues will be gossiping about you (awkward). I know, I know, asking someone out when you’re not shit-faced is terrifying, but when your career is on the line, it has to be done.

3. Take it out of the office. If romance is to blossom, you’ve got to pretend that the object of your affections does not sit at the desk next to you: in other words, see him or her outside of your office. Only then will you be able to establish whether there’s nothing more substantial to your mutual attraction than boredom and a flair for Powerpoint presentations.

4. Stay professional. Love has blossomed? Great. But no one in the office wants to know about it - not just because some companies will actually sack you for seeing each other (strangely, it’s not actually illegal, at least not in the UK) but also because even if you both keep your jobs, obvious displays of affection and togetherness can alienate other colleagues who may come to believe that your personal relationship may undermine your professional conduct - even if it doesn’t. Workplaces can be nasty like that.

5. Be prepared for negative outcomes. Be aware that if you start sleeping with someone in your office you may need to get a new job sharpishly - if it goes sour, seeing the person who broke your heart (or simply humiliated you, or whom you humiliated) can make work excruciating. If it turns into the greatest love of all, you may still run into the problem (elucidated above) of your love affair interfering with your ability to work with your colleagues…or you may find that issues at work leak over into your romantic relationship, which can be decidedly unpleasant. Basically: consider the object of your desire, consider your job, and consider the possibility that attaining the former may mean that you have to get rid of the latter. Is it worth it? If not, my dears, step away from the stationery cupboard.

Comments (View)

Himglish and Femalese Life Lessons Derived from a Hit Teen Film

Yes: I went to see New Moon at the cinema. I am mildly embarrassed. But I also found that it was full of teachable relationship-related moments. Herewith:

1. Have some hobbies and interests besides your relationship. Bella (the protagonist, if you’re amongst the few people who’ve managed to avoid this franchise) has no discernable hobbies or interests besides being enamoured with her glittery vampire boyfriend Edward. Thus, when he leaves, she is so bereft she pretty much sits in the same chair for fourth months and looks really peaky. I believe this is meant to be a demonstration of her abject devotion to Edward (perhaps appealing to the target demographic of 16-year-old girls), but to me it just proved the importance of making sure that no matter how intense and loving and lovely your relationship, it should not become the only thing of importance in your life, because if it ends - or even dips, and every relationship dips now and then - you can end up feeling rather adrift.

2. Don’t exploit other people’s feelings to make yourself feel better. Following the departure of the glittery vampire boyfriend and the four-month depression, Bella starts hanging out with Jacob, a teenage boy-slash-werewolf. Jacob is very (somewhat pathetically) open about his devotion to Bella; although she states that’s she not available, she also sends him a lot of mixed signals - and takes advantage of his affection for her, perhaps in part because she has no hobbies or interests beyond, well, being worshipped by men. Anyway. We’ve all been in those situations of being the object of some unrequited love - that’s not something to be ashamed of - but when you become aware of it, as Bella clearly is, the kindest thing to do is not, as some people think, to allow the person to go on loving you (it’s very painful for them) but rather to give them the physical and emotional space they need to get over you. Otherwise they may turn into a werewolf and have a fight with your glittery vampire boyfriend. Or something.

3. Beware of partners who test your devotion by leaving you. Whether you are going out with a glittery vampire or a regular person, beware of getting in to patterns where conflicts are solved with a breakup, following with you prostrating yourself (or flying to Italy to save your ex from sacrificing himself in a strange vampire ritual) until you attain forgiveness so that you get back together. Edward tells Bella they have to split up (he’s worried that she will be killed by another, meaner vampire) and this drives her to do all sorts of mad things to risk her life and therefore demonstrate how desperate she is without him. Then he agrees (in his troubled, glittery way) to take her back, but his tendency to do ghoulish frowns makes it clear that it is but a temporary resolution. This is not to say that you can’t get back together after a breakup, but for the reconciliation to be successful it’s very important that you both work through the problem that drove you apart in the first place (e.g. he’s a vampire, you’re not) rather than getting swept up in the wonderment of being reunited (it feels so good) only to find yourselves stymied again by the problem that is still there.

Comments (View)

“ There’s a fine line between adorably quirky and freakish. The key to love is absolutely finding someone who finds you the former rather than the latter.

— I draw a profound conclusion during an impromptu online Himglish and Femalese advising session

Comments (View)

BBC NEWS | Health | New warning on 'perfect vaginas'

Of all the things in my book that made my father, Dadelstein, raise his excellently thick eyebrows (where did you thing I get ‘em?) it was the discussion of genital surgery that he actually felt the need to discuss with me in person. ‘Is this for real?’ he said, looking truly stricken. It is, indeed, awfully hard to stomach: the knowledge that literally thousands of British women are queuing up to get their labia trimmed for no reason other than concern that they’re imperfect to look at.

Unfortunately, not only is it for real, but this new data that this article refers to indicates that this surgery is not just unpleasant and driven by a worrying concept of physical perfection, but actually really DANGEROUS.

So, to reiterate what I write in Himglish and Femalese, if anyone ever suggests that you should have some kind of surgery done on your vagina to make it look more attractive, more like some kind of airbrushed ideal, fuck’em. Except, don’t.

Comments (View)